Come Clean, then Hang Me at the Gallows

come clean, then hang me at the gallows - Spectre of the Brocken: #title

“This place is an absolute disaster!” She screams, her voice slicing through the now thick air. “How on earth do you manage to live in this filth?

She continued, “seriously, how am I supposed to come here and pretend to enjoy myself when the stench of dog piss and stale beer hits like a brick? It’s like the odor of a worn-out whore’s pussy mixed with the rancid smell of rotting lunch meat!

I stammer, attempting to respond, “I, um…

She prances into the living room, her eyes scanning. “When was the last time you cleaned this carpet?” Each word is a scolding accusation.

She’s drunk and searching for conflict.

You just, uh…

Undeterred, she ascends the stairs to the second floor. “And when did you last sweep these stairs?” Her voice backed with disapproval.

You um…

She lowers her index finger and casually drags a clump of dog hair, twisting and examining it between her fingers until it gracefully floats back to the stair. 

And these sheets—when were they last washed?

Her relentless tirade drowns my feeble attempts to explain.

Honestly, when was the last time you did anything? You’re a complete loser, spending your days devouring Popsicles and working on your projects nobody cares about. Maybe you should pray to those ‘quote-unquote’ divine beings from Zeta Reticuli you worship so much and ask if they’ll miraculously clean up this fuckin’ mess before anyone has to visit in this filth.

But.., uh.., I just.., you know…

Go ahead! Speak up! What’s your excuse?” She demands.

I, um, just paid you three days ago to clean my house. Remember?

Oh, right…” 

She pauses, her tone suddenly shifting. 

Well, the place looks good! Got any beers?

Come Clean, then Hang Me at the Gallows: This story can be found in the flash fiction collection “Spectre of the Brocken: Halo for the Observer”

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Ran Kime Writer
Ran Kime, a writer, poet, musician and recluse from New Hampshire, crafts abstract stories, flash fiction & poetry that probe the psyche. His collections include “Spectre of the Brocken: Halo for the observer” and “Way Past Tipsy & Other Silent Cries for Help”.